Like sex itself, sexual fantasies are as old as time. One’s gender or sexuality doesn’t matter—people have them and use them to reach orgasm during sex.
And yet our culture has long been confused about sexual desire. It wasn't until 1996, according to The New York Times, that psychologists realized “most of the last 50 years of research on the subject has been blind to the true nature of women's erotic yearnings and sexuality.” In Garden of Desires: The Evolution of Women's Sexual Fantasies, author Emily Dubberley writes of a 1973 magazine article that stated, unsarcastically, “Women do not have sexual fantasies, period. Men do.”
Naturally, this was wrong. When they heard the myth that Cleopatra got off with a hollowed-out gourd of buzzing bees, did they really believe that she was thinking of nothing? That she was just staring out at the landscape of Egypt completely thoughtless? There’s a better chance that she was thinking about how Mark Antony’s penis couldn’t possibly compare to her bees—which, according to the legend, was the first vibrator.
Like we said, the sexual fantasy is as old as time. But who’s fantasizing about what and with whom is another story.
So what is a sexual fantasy?
A sexual fantasy is any mental image, thought, or story that turns you on. You may be dying to act it out or just like to think about it. But while we all have our thing (or two or five or eight) that gets us off, some people tend to question if their kinky sex fantasies are “normal.”
“I’m not sure who gets to decide what ‘normal’ is in terms of a fantasy,” says Ericka Hart, MEd, sex educator and black queer femme activist. “But I will say white supremacy has put so many parameters on our imaginations that not feeling wrong when we think beyond vanilla hetero sex takes some unlearning. As long as the fantasy is consensual—freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific—it can be carried out.”
No matter what your jam is in fantasyland, remember that your private thoughts don’t define you—and that it’s okay to have sexual fantasies that conflict with who you believe yourself to be IRL. Your fantasy life is your fantasy life, until and unless you choose to make it into more. Whether the situations you picture are tame or wild, “standard” or taboo, sexual imagination can be a deep well of joy and excitement. (It can also make sex last longer!)
How can you bring up your fantasies with your partner?
Having sexual fantasies comes with the territory of being human—but because we live in a culture in which the topic of sex remains taboo, trying to bring them up can not only be intimidating but downright scary. A way to get around this is to create a safe space and get creative.
“One of the most creative ways to bring up a fantasy is by communicating it through the lens of a dream,” says Elsa Viegas, CDO and cofounder of Bijoux Indiscrets. “For example, if I want to communicate to my partner I am into role play but am not sure how to navigate the conversation, I’ll mention, ‘I had this dream last night and we role-played this scenario. It was really hot. What do you think?’ When you have the safety net of a dream as a way to communicate directly, one may feel more confident to share.”
“Play a card game that brings up sexual fantasies, where you can both take turns sharing a fantasy and discussing what aspects of it appeal to you,” says Natassia Miller, CEO and founder of Wonderlust. “It’s the card that asks the question, not you, which can relieve some of the stress of bringing it up yourself. If you’re wondering where to start, Wonderlust’s Mindful Intimacy Deck was created with this in mind and has two levels of prompts, which warms things up before diving into sexual fantasies in the second level.” Want more options? We have a whole guide to sex games for couples.
From written erotica and sexy movies to art and stories you find online that could inspire a sexual fantasy conversation, use it all. We live in a time when technology and media runs the world, so don’t forget to use this medium to your advantage when it comes to your sex life. If you can find a conversation starter in any of these things, jump at the chance.
How can you explore sexual fantasies in a safe way?
While not everyone has a desire to act out their sexual fantasies—which is also normal!—for those who do, it’s important to follow some rules. Especially if you’re engaging in acts like BDSM, a sexual fantasy that 96% of women and 93% of men have had, according to 2019 research conducted by Justin J. Lehmiller, PhD. It’s important not to just dive in blindly.
As we learned from the response from the BDSM community in regard to how BDSM was portrayed in Fifty Shades of Grey, just because you’re into something doesn’t mean you know what it is and how to responsibly explore it. Because of this, you want to do your research—whether you’re trying BDSM, new sex positions or sex toys, or something else entirely.
“I recommend finding books and a community to help you research and learn the exact ways to navigate safety, pleasure, and kink,” says Viegas, adding that “taking a class on a specific technique, like shibari,” is also a good place to begin your journey.
It should go without saying, but no matter what type of sex you’re having—from the most vanilla to the most hard-core—consent and boundaries should always be a conversation before anything gets started. This is a nonnegotiable. You also want to decide on a safeword. No matter what is happening, once the safeword is said, everything stops immediately. Another nonnegotiable.
When you’re in uncharted waters, it’s not only a good idea to ease your way in but also essential so you both feel safe and comfortable with what you’re about to explore.
“Start slowly, as you gain experience and comfort,” says Miller. “If you’re engaging in BDSM, begin with lighter activities. A great entry point is blindfolding, shibari, and sensation play. Use a feather, silk scarf, massage oil, ice, or any household objects, really, to caress your partner’s skin as they’re blindfolded and/or tied up. The goal is to gently tease and focus on sensation to heighten eroticism.”
If you and your partner don’t share the same fantasy, what should you do?
In some cases, fantasies don’t align. Sometimes fantasies can be so different, that they reveal a part of you to your partner that they didn’t realize existed and vice versa. When this happens, it’s important to navigate it in a way that doesn’t make either one of you feel ashamed or regret sharing your erotic fantasy.
“It’s important to recognize people have fantasies for a variety of reasons, that their desires are not a reflection of you,” says Viegas. “We are entitled to fantasies; we just do not have to always share them with our partners. So, if someone’s fantasy isn’t for you, thank them for sharing, hold your boundaries, and move on.”
As Viegas points out, compromise depends on the relationship. You might be willing to find a middle ground on public sex in a long-term relationship, but the desire to jump into spanking may not be there for a one-night stand...or anyone.
“If your partner isn’t interested in exploring your sexual fantasy or finds it intimidating, consider a way to meet in the middle,” says Miller. “Are there aspects of your fantasy that both of you feel comfortable exploring together? Focus on the parts that intrigue your partner and build from there.”
If either you or your partner are hell-bent on turning a sexual fantasy into a reality and meeting in the middle isn’t an option, then consider opening your mind to other scenarios.
“Do a yes-no-maybe list exploring all of your potential fantasies with your partner (or partners) and use that tool to negotiate what can be fulfilled in the partnership,” says Hart. “If your partners are a no to participating in impact play, for example, discuss exploring play parties (BDSM parties) to find one you're both comfortable with and can participate in impact play when you are ready.”
What are the benefits to talking about sexual fantasies?
Even if you and your partner never act out your sexual fantasies, it’s still important to share such intimate thoughts and daydreams. In a culture that still frowns upon people owning their sexuality, especially women and nonbinary folks, putting words to your desires, communicating them, expressing them, and giving life to them is an empowering move for all sexual orientations.
What are the most common sexual fantasies?
In 2014, the results of the Wilson Sex Fantasy Questionnaire was published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine. The questionnaire aimed to discover what percentage of people have rare or unusual sexual fantasies, compared with those who have what are regarded as common. According to the findings, only 2.3% and 15.9% of the participants had fantasies that are considered rare or unusual, respectively. On the other hand, the same sexual fantasy questionnaire found that more than 50% of people have “common” sexual fantasies and more than 84% have “typical” sexual fantasies.
If you’re still unsure about your sexual fantasy and where it falls on the “common” scale—that is, if that’s a concern to you—Justin J. Lehmiller, PhD's research found the seven most common. Here we break down some of the most typical examples of these common fantasies and asked sex experts for their advice on how to explore safely. So get ready to take lots of notes!
95% of men and 87% of women are into the idea of threesomes, orgies, group sex, and even gang bangs.
Multiple partners: Threesomes, foursomes, and “moresomes” put a novel spin on sex, which might explain why 57% of women have fantasized about these ambitious trysts. They might go better in fantasy than in reality, however. In fantasies, for example, no one ever has to feel left out or confused about what they’re supposed to be doing—but if a group-sex fantasy piques your interest, it might be worth pursuing IRL too.
Being dominated: Fifty Shades of Grey normalized kinks and fetishes more widely than ever before; one study found 65% of people who identify as women crave being dominated. There’s a wide palette of fantasy scenarios to draw from here: You can picture something as subtle as a trusted partner holding you down by the wrists while they kiss you, all the way up to extreme BDSM involving pain, humiliation, or whatever else your kinky heart desires.
Dominating someone: Fantasies of being in control in the bedroom are also quite common—47% of people who identify as women admit to having had this fantasy. It can be incredibly hot to call the shots during sex, especially in a culture that systematically tries to strip minority groups of their power both in and out of the bedroom.
Bondage: From impromptu tools, like neckties, to more intense bondage scenarios involving rope, cuffs, or under-the-bed restraints, the thought of being restrained (or restraining someone else) is incredibly hot to many folks. Being unable to move makes you helpless to a partner’s advances, whether those involve pleasure, pain, or a little of both. Do your research on this one—there are a lot of ways bondage can go wrong and can even be dangerous. Open communication with a trusted partner is key, as is establishing a safe word.
Sensory deprivation: Blindfolds are one easy way to explore this avenue. Wearing one keeps you blissfully unaware of what your partner is about to do to you—and putting one on someone else helps you maintain your control and mystique.
97% of both women and men like to fantasize about different locations and/or people.
Infidelity: You can be perfectly happy with your partner and still find something electrically exciting about the idea of cheating on them. “We are excited by the unknown, about losing control, and allowing a new and surprising experience to unfold,” says Anne Louise Burdett, a certified sex educator and CEO of Toca. “You can partake safely in asking a lover or a partner to pretend to be a stranger, or you can simply fantasize. Sometimes fantasy is hotter than reality.”
As with many fantasies, it’s important to keep in mind that wanting to imagine this type of sex doesn’t necessarily mean you want to have this type of sex. But if you do, maybe some form of ethical non-monogamy is an avenue you should explore.
Sex in public: The thrill of sex in a public or semipublic place has long been a popular fantasy: dark alleys, public bathrooms, and movie theaters are common choices. But there's a big caveat here: If unconsenting adults or kids happen to catch you, then you’re in a boatload of legal trouble. It’s best to fulfill this one on a private rooftop or on your own property—you can just pretend it’s Central Park.
Sex in an unusual location: Even if you’re fantasizing about the same old sex acts you always fall back on, out-of-the-ordinary settings like a hotel room, a sex club, or the kitchen counter can heat up your imaginations. If you're looking to timidly dip a toe into this fantasy, try heating things up on the couch the next time you and your partner or watching a movie, or join them in the shower and see where things go. For a more extreme version, check out ethical sex clubs in your area. (FetLife.com can be a good place to start.)
Sex with a celebrity: Some 52% of women reported having had this fantasy. It’s often easier and less complicated to picture your fave celeb—say, Lizzo twerking or Pedro Pascal, well, being Pedro Pascal—than a stranger or someone you actually know in real life. There is no shame in whipping out your go-to fantasy next time you're masturbating.
Sex with a stranger: “A common fantasy is sudden sex with strangers, on a bus, in a library, etc. by someone unexpected,” says Burdett. “This is extremely hot to a lot of people because so much about desire and sex involve spontaneity and a bit of the forbidden.”
It's easy to see why this is a common one: It's potentially hot to think that someone would be so drawn to you without knowing you at all. You can safely explore this fantasy at ethical, consenting sex parties. And when you’re done, you can throw your clothes back on and peace out. Easy-peasy.
Role play: “Everyone wants to know what it feels like to be someone else,” says Burdett. “Desiring to shift into playful roles in the bedroom does not mean you are unsatisfied with your life.”
If you struggle to let your inner sex goddess loose, sometimes imagining yourself in a specific role can help. Does a nurse-and-patient fantasy get your gears turning? How about boss and secretary? The possibilities are almost endless.
Cosplay: Similar to role play is cosplay, which involves dressing up in a specific costume. Allowing yourself to disappear into another person or character, as Burdett points out, is letting your imagination take you to faraway places and costumes really help do this. You might feel foxier in a borrowed persona.
72% of women and 87% of men want to indulge in what's considered culturally forbidden.
Oral sex: Both giving and receiving oral sex came up as a top fantasy in one study. While oral isn’t exactly “out there,” it can be imbued with a kinky dynamic—like learning how to squirt—that sets it apart from activities traditionally understood to be mutually pleasurable, like penis-in-vagina sex.
You might sometimes view giving oral sex as a submissive service, for example, or a dominant act of taking what’s yours. Meanwhile, receiving oral might make you feel like a pampered queen in her throne or thoroughly ravaged. However you frame it, it’s clear that tons of people find oral sex hot as hell.
Anal sex: Though anal sex just straight up feels good for many folks, it also comes with a whole host of cultural taboos that add to its forbidden hotness. It’s “dirty,” something only “bad girls” do, etc. You don’t have to ascribe to these shame-y, outdated judgments in your day-to-day life to be able to enjoy some of that element in your fantasy life. If you're new to trying anal, relaxation, communication, and plenty of anal lube are key.
Sex with a professor: It may be problematic in real life, but being the teacher’s pet is a common fantasy, even if you’ve been done with your college days for a while. Professors are typically people we respect—smart, distinguished, and accomplished. And don’t even get me started on those tweed blazers with the elbow patches.
The idea of sex with a professor, or anyone in a power position (like a boss), can feel not only thrilling, but like you’re getting away with something. In your sex fantasy, you are.
Sex with someone younger: This is another taboo topic that's a common fantasy; older women aren’t “supposed” to lust after their 21-year-old pool boy, after all. But it's easy to see why one would. Whether or not it's true, someone younger is considered by society to be have more sexual energy than an older person and a fresh sense of sexual optimism that age and heartbreak tend to beat out of us. It should go without saying that this fantasy should be explored only between consenting adults.
Sex with someone older: On the flip side, many people fantasize about being with someone older and wiser because they could teach you so many things. They might look at you patronizingly and call you “sweetheart,” or their eyes might fill with gratitude and incredulity at their luck for getting to bang a hot young thing like you, both of which can be turn-ons.
Exhibitionism: Showing off can be incredibly sexy. Maybe you fantasize about stripping for a partner, performing in a porn flick, or masturbating for an agog audience. And why not? It’s hot to feel hot. Just make sure that if your foray into exhibitionism involves going digital, you practice safe sexting.
Voyeurism: Watching other people get it on can be a massive turn-on as well. Maybe you imagine peeking at a couple getting intimate in a fitting room at the mall, sitting in as an anonymous tipper in an online cam show, or watching a boundary-pushing BDSM scene at a dungeon. There are many possibilities for (consensual) spectating.
99% of both women and men fantasize about being romanced and cuddled during sex.
Sex with an ex: Most of the time, going there again would be bad—even if you regret breaking up with your ex. Fantasizing about an ex doesn't mean you want to get back together. Often, this kind of fantasy is about nostalgia for something familiar—or simply some good memories of hot hookups.
Sensual massage: “Happy ending” massages are a popular search term on porn sites, especially for women. It may be that the relaxation and slow, calming movements prep your body and mind for heights of arousal. Stress can physiologically inhibit pleasure and orgasm in women, researcher Emily Nagoski notes in her book Come As You Are, so it makes sense that a relaxing activity that ends in climax would be high on many women's fantasy lists. To explore this fantasy, break out the massage candle and ask your partner for a rub down.
80% and 91% fantasize about open relationships, swinging, cuckolding, and polyamory among other forms of nonmonogamy.
Cuckolding: What’s interesting about cuckolding is that it’s not just about nonmonogamy but emasculation too. A cuck is someone who gets off on the idea of their partner having sex with someone else—and sometimes, that includes being forced to watch it. Although the cuckolding fantasy is more common among men (58%), roughly a third of women want to indulge in their own inner cuck.
49% of women and 59% of men fantasize about bending gender norms, while 59% of women and 26% of men have same-sex fantasies despite identifying as straight.
Pegging: For those who aren’t familiar, pegging is when a person with a vulva has anal sex with a partner using a strap-on. Pegging plays with power dynamics and allows both partners to explore a different side of their sexuality. It’s not for everyone, but if you are intrigued, talk to your SO to see if they're down.
Gender swap: While this could possibly fall under the category of pegging, gender swapping is more than just penetrating a male-identifying partner, as it can extend into lingerie, makeup—whatever feels right for both you and your partner.
Lesbian sex: Fun fact: lesbian sex tends to focus on the things that actually get most women off: oral sex, fingering, and other clit-focused activities. Because of this, straight women fantasizing about being with other women is really quite common, as is straight women preferring lesbian porn to get off. If you're looking to explore, just make sure you're honest and upfront about your intentions.
Amanda Chatel is a New York–based lifestyle writer with a focus on sex, relationships, sexual health women's reproductive rights, feminism, and mental health. Her work has appeared on Bustle, HelloGiggles, Shape, Mic, Harper's Bazaar, The Atlantic, Forbes, Elle, Huffington Post, Men's Health, BlackBook, and many other sites. She divides her time between NYC and Barcelona.
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