“How to start divorce process.” If you've typed those five word into Google recently, odds are you're searching for advice on something that can be considered life-changing and a potential step in a direction that will greatly benefit your future. The below guide is part of Glamour's Smart Goals series, which explores reasonable, quantifiable, and—crucially—sane ways to embark on self-improvement objectives you'd like to complete this year. We all know traditional New Year's resolutions are nonsense and designed mainly to make us feel terrible about ourselves and, as a result, spend money on things we think we need to live a more fulfilling life. Here we dig into how to how to get divorced in a manner that's relatively painless, both financially and emotionally.
If you've committed to the idea that your marriage is going the way of the Ford Pinto—or at least come around to the idea—good for you. Onward on upward! But now comes a bunch of red tape, including figuring out how to start the divorce process. Much like learning how to quit drinking or how to start a book, understanding how actually get divorced isn't something most of us know how to do until we absolutely have to do it. We watch breakups play out on TV, in the tabloids, or from the sidelines of our parents' and friends’ relationships, but until you’re legally separating from a spouse yourself, the process can be frustratingly tedious and abstract. Whether your split is acrimonious or decently friendly, though, the objective is the same for every party: feeling like the slog was worth the time, money, and emotional energy.
“A divorce is like a marathon, not a sprint,” says New York City–based divorce attorney Robert Wallack. “There will be ups and downs, so it’s important to always remain focused on the end goal—which is getting through the divorce process and achieving happiness on the other side.”
Whether you’re currently single, happily married, or considering a split, knowledge is power. To that end, we’ve laid how to start the divorce process, one step at a time.
Step 1: Decide if you actually want the divorce.
“I’m seeing a trend where younger people are getting divorced earlier in their marriages: two, three, four years in,” Wollock says, chalking it up to the way that, in part, technology has made us think that finding a relationship is as easy as ‘swiping right’ on someone new. “People aren’t as inclined to try to ‘stick it out’ and make it work nowadays.”
To that end: “One question I ask to everyone who comes into my office is: Are you sure?” says Jacqueline Newman, a divorce attorney in New York City and the author of Soon to Be Ex: A Guide to Your Perfect Divorce & Relaunch. “If you aren’t sure, I’m a big advocate of marriage counseling, because divorce is a very hard think to turn back from: It’s financially exhausting; it’s emotionally exhausting.” If you’re on the fence, then you have to make sure it’s what you really want, even if ultimately the answer is yes.
Step 2: Determine how you want to get divorced.
Many of us might immediately assume that getting divorced means winding up in court, but most couples actually don’t. As Newman explains, there are three paths that divorcing couples can take: mediation, collaborative law, and litigation. In mediation, couples work with a neutral party, generally without an attorney, who helps them work out the terms of their separation on their own. (It also tends to be the least expensive way to go.)
Collaborative law, on the other hand, means both parties retain separate lawyers and contractually agree to openly disclose all documents and information, respect each other, and protect children as much as possible. “If you can’t do mediation, collaborative law is a good way to go if you’re amicable,” says Newman. “You have more control over the schedule, and you can bring a divorce coach and a child specialist into the mix.” But the drawback is if things break down and you decide you do want to go to the litigation route, you have to start all over with new attorneys.
Here's what to expect—including benefits, potential side effects, and what to do in social situations.
Litigation is the most traditional route—and the most expensive and time-consuming. You and your spouse usually hire divorce attorneys and duke it out until a settlement is reached, either by you or a judge. That said, litigation doesn’t mean you’re definitely going to wind up in court, and, in fact, most cases don’t go to trial. “They settle at some point," says Newman. "It’s just a question of when and how much you’re going to spend.” But you can go to court, maybe even a few times.
If none of the above sounds like something you and your ex are up for, there’s always the “kitchen table option,” whereby you sit down and figure it out yourselves, says Newman—but she doesn’t recommend it. “It can get complicated, because it’s hard to negotiate. It depends on personality and the level of anger.”
There’s also the online route, which she also doesn’t recommend. Sure, it might be fine if you have no assets, no kids, no pets, and nothing to divide. Think of it this way: “You could probably do your own stitches too, by watching a YouTube video. But I wouldn’t recommend it.”
Step 3: Choose representation.
Often people choose an attorney before they learn how to start the divorce process. Newman urges people to go the process route first—see Step 2—so they decide the path they’re walking down at the outset instead of letting it be determined by whoever they work with. And as for representing yourself? Unless you're an attorney by trade, it's not recommended. “It’s extremely important to hire a lawyer that's knowledgeable, responsive, and who you trust,” says Wollack. “In my opinion there are simply too many unknowns for a layperson to adequately represent himself or herself and end up with a good result.”
Once you’ve made that decision and start working with a lawyer, you’ll typically fill out a statement of net worth, i.e., an assessment of your assets, liabilities, budget, and income. At the same time, you might be working to get a custody agreement in place if you have kids (or pets) and making decisions about who is leaving your shared home.
Step 4: Wait. And wait.
How long it takes to get divorced is often a reflection of how complicated your divorce is—and it can last anywhere between a couple of months to years, says Wollack. “Some people don’t realize that divorce can be a really long process,” he says. “Whether parties litigate or negotiate a settlement out of court, it almost always takes longer than the parties want or expect it to—and it almost always costs more than people plan. They should keep this in mind; otherwise they’ll find themselves getting very frustrated by the process.”
If it's time for you to take the mic in 2025, this step-by-step guide will help you get set up.
Step 5: Brace your bank account.
Speaking of costs: It all depends on where you are and the specifics of your circumstances. “On one end of the spectrum are lawyers who take a flat fee to handle an uncontested divorce,” says Wollack, “and on the other end are lawyers who charge more than $1,000 per hour. Initial retainer fees can range from a few thousand dollars to over $50,000 for larger case. It’s not uncommon for lawyer fees in New York City divorces to total in the tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars. And I’ve seen fees in some ‘big money’ cases total more than a million dollars.”
This might also be the moment to correct some common-held myths about who pays for what when you’re getting divorced. Sometimes, says Newman, “people think that the person who starts the divorce is the one who should pay for it.” But that’s not how it works, generally. And, it should be stated, coming to the table with dirt on your spouse won't affect who pays, as judges aren’t usually swayed by the sleuthing you’ve done to uncover your ex’s affair, and it won’t typically help your case. “No need to become an amateur detective,” Newman says—so save your energy.
Step 6: File divorce papers.
Once the terms of your separation agreement have been worked out, you’re onto filing the divorce papers and submitting them to the court. “And then you’re divorced—it’s that easy,” quips Newman.
Figuring out how to start the divorce process can be a pain and a spousal split, in general, is never easy. But, as Wollack points out, there are plenty of positives that can stem from parting ways. “I’ve seen mothers and fathers become better parents since they now have to perform certain duties that they didn’t before—and they no longer have the other parent to fall back on,” he says, “and I’ve also seen parties to a divorce become more independent because they’re forced to take on responsibilities that they might not have had in the past.”
This story was originally published in 2018 and has been updated.
How to Quit Smoking
How to Start a Podcast
How to Start Going to the Gym
How to Quit Drinking
How to Start a Book
How to Quit a Job
