Learning how to talk dirty is the most underrated way to enhance your sex life, whether you’re single or partnered. That’s because dirty talk stimulates our most important sexual organ: the human brain. But finding the right sounds, words, and phrases in the moment can be a stumbling block for even the most experienced lovers.
“We are socialized to experience pleasure silently,” says sex educator Ashley Manta. “We grow up masturbating in stealth mode where you don’t make noise, you do it as fast as you can, you get off, and then you’re done. And even in high school or college, or whenever you start fumbling around with other humans, it’s a quickie. You’re not making a lot of noise, you’re not articulating very much—maybe a couple of moans here and there. Developing the skills to actually feel in your body and be present and say the things out loud takes time.”
So we asked relationship experts for their best tips on how to talk nasty, plus dirty-talk ideas for both tongue-tied beginners and seasoned pros alike looking to take their game to the next level.
What are some ways to talk dirty?
Dirty talk is usually thought of as something that occurs during partnered sex, but it can actually occur anytime, anywhere—with or without an audience. You can talk dirty to yourself when you’re alone. You can do it with a long-term lover or a one-night stand. You can talk dirty via text message, phone call, or FaceTime. You can do it before sex as foreplay or post-sex as aftercare. Dirty talk can be enjoyed even in the total absence of sex, just for flirty fun rather than as a means to an end.
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Psychologist and sex therapist Tera Jansen, Psy.D, defines dirty talk broadly as “any type of vocalizations or things that can be said or communicated during sexual engagement.” That includes nonverbals like moaning or “guttural sounds,” as well as words or phrases that are spoken or communicated via nonverbal language.
Or put another way: “It's just another way of communicating what you want while sounding sexy,” says Suzannah Weiss, resident sexologist for Biird and author of Subjectified: Becoming a Sexual Subject.
How do I start?
Talking dirty doesn't have to be complicated, especially if you or your partner are new to exploring it. “You can say something very simple, like, ‘Does that feel good?’” says Weiss. “That does a double function of creating dirty talk while allowing you to get feedback or give feedback.”
Weiss also suggests simply calling attention to whatever it is you or your partner is doing, like “I like it when you pull my hair” or “I love running my hands over your chest.” According to Weiss, “It gets someone into the moment and brings attention to what is being done, which can intensify the pleasure.”
Example: “It feels so good when you…”
Manta wasn’t always an expert-level dirty talker. She cut her teeth working as a phone sex operator for a year. “You have to practice,” she says. “There is no getting around it. No amount of reading erotica or watching porn is going to give you these skills. You have to actually develop the muscle memory to say these things out loud, to have the naughty, dirty thought, to have the fantasy, and to be able to articulate it.”
With clients, Manta often used dirty “mad libs” to acclimate beginners to saying certain words out loud for the first time. But to further hone your dirty talk and sexting chops, Manta personally recommends a dating app called Pure, which encourages users to play as “whoever” they choose to be as long as they respect the other users’ boundaries. “I’ve been sexting with people all over the world with not a lot of preamble,” she says. “It’s kind of like, ‘What are you into? These five things? Ready, set, go.’ It’s like improv.”
Another option is practicing dirty talk solo—to yourself or an imagined lover, even—while you’re masturbating before any sexual experience with a partner.
Example: “I had a dirty thought last night….”
“If I’m being honest, usually the best source that anyone has is the person they’re trying to be sexual with,” Dr. Jansen says. The people who are best at dirty talk are the people who, in her words, “are really good at just plain old regular talk with their partners about sex.”
To take the guesswork out of what turns your partner on, Dr. Jansen says coupled clients can create “Yes, No, Maybe” fantasy lists as an exercise. Whether you complete the checklist on paper or use a questionnaire app like Spicer, it’s a great way to take inventory of your respective sexual fantasies, interests, and kinks, to then compare where they do or don’t align. This also helps to clear up whether what you both do or say going forward has enthusiastic consent.
Example: “I like to say, ‘Give me your cheat codes,’” Manta says. “Ask your partner, ‘Are you more into physical compliments, or do you prefer something more conceptual?’ As in, ‘The thought of you turns me on’ versus ‘I love your cock’? Tell me how to win with you.”
Porn is an obvious place to hunt for inspiration for examples of how to talk dirty, though Dr. Jansen suggests looking in the ethical porn or feminist porn category to ensure that it’s mutually respectful. Some of the best inspiration for dirty talk during sex can also be pulled from erotic fiction. Plus, as both Manta and Dr. Jansen mentioned, you can always find your way into sex forums and dating apps.
“You want to be conscientious,” Dr. Jansen says about where you draw your inspiration from. And again, be clear on consent. “Because it might be perceived problematically if [you say something that] wasn’t cleared with your partner.”
Example: “I just saw something really hot. Would you like to hear about it?”
You’re welcome in advance.
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Another way to find inspiration or examples of dirty talk? Take a quiz online to learn more about your kinks or what turns you on. “There's a quiz called the Erotic Blueprint Quiz,” Weiss says. “It costs $17, but it tells you exactly what turns you on, which is helpful. But if you just Google, there are a whole bunch of free quizzes online too. Taking one of those could be a way to figure out what kind of dirty talk you want.”
How do you know what to say during sex?
Dirty talk examples don’t have to include actual words to be a turn on, Manta says. “It can be noises. You can just vocalize, ‘Mmm.’ ‘Ah.’ ‘Ooh.’ Or just, ‘Yes.’ You don’t have to overcomplicate it.” Eye contact helps too.
Making noise is good for your health and pleasure to boot. “Actually vocalizing stimulates the vagus nerve, which helps shift your body out of fight and flight and into rest and digest,” Manta says. “From a physiological standpoint, making noise is objectively good for you.”
Example: “Mmm…that feels so good.”
“A lot of good dirty talk is about narration,” Manta says. “‘I feel my heart pounding, I feel tingling in my belly, I feel my cock throbbing, I feel an ache to be filled….’”
She suggests articulating the things that are happening in your body—and what you want to happen in your body. You can keep it simple to start. As Manta says, “It takes a level of presence with self that people need practice at.”
Example: Sex columnist Dan Savage coined this three-step dirty talk formula for beginners: “Tell ’em what you’re going to do, tell ’em what you’re doing, tell ’em what you did.”
Step outside yourself by creating a character or persona to inhabit while you’re learning how to talk dirty. Creating a little bit of distance, Manta says, might make people feel safer.
“Think of it as though you’re developing an alter-ego or an avatar of yourself,” she says. “What would they sound like? Let’s imagine a sex goddess lives inside of you. What does she wear? What makes her feel sexy? What does she sound like? What does she enjoy receiving? What does she love to give? What is she just so excited to do to someone else’s body?”
The personas you create need not be a reflection of who you really are or even what you normally like. Just like sex toys, they can be tried on and discarded depending on mood, without ever having to commit to any of them. That’s the beauty of it. “You don’t have to put so much pressure on yourself to just be one thing,” Manta says.
Example: As Manta says, “You can try on personas like outfits. Ask yourself, ‘What am I feeling tonight?’ Maybe I’m feeling this sex witch goddess energy, and I’m going to call her Scarlet; she has really big hair, smoky eyes, and red lips, and she pouts and loves to seduce men. That’s just one example.”
Experimenting with role play is another way to break out of formulaic dirty talk and inspire more creativity. Couples can switch up the setting and pretend to be strangers meeting up at a bar or hotel, but you don’t have to orchestrate something elaborate if you can’t or don’t want to deal with the hassle in real life. You can also try on different sex positions or acts—like anal sex or learning how to squirt during sex—by including them in your word play first. Depending on your and your partner’s reactions, you might discover dirty things to physically explore later.
“You can try out different names or just talk through the fantasy of having a threesome, even if you never do it,” Manta says. “It allows you to bring in novelty and create more dynamic experiences without actually having to do the real-world logistics.”
Example: “You can just pretend,” Manta says. “Maybe you have alien fantasies. Maybe you want to fuck William Shakespeare. You can talk through it all as though it’s happening. They can describe what it would be like to have that happen, how it would feel, and what they would be doing to you without actually having to go through the steps.”
It’s worth noting that some people genuinely enjoy and prefer silence during sex, and that’s okay too. Dr. Jansen has come across such cases in her practice. But if you have a timid lover who is interested in talking dirty but isn’t sure where to start, you can help them venture out of their comfort zone by teeing up opportunities for them to follow your lead. If you are that timid lover, ask your partner to give you direction on sexy things to say.
Example: “My favorite direction to receive is for somebody to tell me what they want me to say,” Manta says. “I have a lot of dirty talk experiences where someone will ask me a question, I’ll give a short answer, and then they’ll say, ‘No, say that out loud. I want you to say, “I’m a good little cocksucker.” Or I want you to say, “Your cock feels really good inside of me.”’ They’re basically feeding me lines. That takes the pressure off so much, and I know that I’m telling you exactly what you want to hear because you just told me.”
Don’t worry about getting it right or hitting the mark every time with sexy talk. In Dr. Jansen’s experience, how something lands often has more to do with delivery. It’s better to take a leap of faith than appear too tentative, trusting of course that your partner will let you know if you’ve crossed a line. And if you’ve never asked for that kind of direct, intentional feedback from your partner before, invite them to start giving it now.
Example: “When it comes to dirty talk, the idea is often less about what somebody says and more about the energy they come in with,” Dr. Jansen says. “Dirty talk is like comedy. If you’re going to do it, you need to commit. Otherwise, it’s going to be awkward and more uncomfortable.”
Interested in a kink or fetish, but not sure if you or your partner are ready to go there quite yet? Incorporating it into your dirty talk could be a really hot. You might learn you get super turned on just by talking about BDSM. But again, discuss any kinky language with your partner first, otherwise it could kill the mood. “Let your partner know or ask them if there are any words they don't want to use,” says Weiss. “Words like slut could potentially offend somebody.”
Example: “If you want to get dirtier with the dirty talk, you could say something like, 'You're a little slut,' or whatever language it is that turns you on,” Weiss says. “If you like being called a good girl or boy, you can bring in kinkier things like that if it appeals to you.”
When in doubt about how to talk dirty during sex, just give your partner positive affirmations. “A kink a lot of people have is a praise kink,” Weiss says. “They like it when someone says, ‘Wow, you’re doing such a good job' or ‘You’re so hot.' You probably can't go wrong with things like that.”
Example: “You are so sexy…”
What are some things to say while sexting?
Knowing how to talk dirty could be particularly game-changing for those in long-distance relationships, where digital contact matters as much as face-to-face interaction. Manta herself is currently in a long-distance relationship.
“Most of our sexual interactions, other than the few times we’ve gotten to see each other in person, have been virtual,” she says. “We do sexting, FaceTime sex, those kinds of things. I jokingly refer to him as the Shakespeare of sexting because he will send me paragraphs of texts that are super descriptive and use a lot of vivid imagery and sensory language. He’s not just saying, ‘Suck my cock.’ It’s like, ‘I want to run my fingers over your body, and I want to watch your eyes light up as I slide my finger into your pussy. I want to taste you.’ Very visceral, sensation-evoking messages.”
For Manta, dirty texts build sexual tension and prolong the fun by dispersing little thrills throughout the day. “I would spend hours in this perpetual state of being very turned on,” she says. “The average in-person sexual encounter—not for me, but for everybody else—is like 10, 15, 20 minutes tops. But this is a long, slow burn throughout the day where I’ll send him a naughty picture or he’ll tell me what to send.”
The asynchronous kind of communication that occurs while sexting also gives you more time to tap in and craft sexy, imaginative responses. (And if you need more guidance as you learn how to sext, Glamour has you covered.)
“My partner will be like, ‘I want to see you in these kind of panties from this angle doing this,’” Manta says. “After I’ll send it to him, he’ll respond back with, ‘Oh, my God, that makes me think of…,’ and then send me another paragraph. Or two hours later, he’ll say, ‘I want to show you what thinking those thoughts about you has done to me…’ and send me a picture.”
What if I hit a snag during dirty talk?
“What if I laugh?” “What if they laugh?” “What if somebody ends up laughing, and I feel humiliated?” “What if I ruin the mood by laughing because it just sounds so ridiculous?” Manta says she hears anxious concerns like these all the time in the field. When you’re mastering the art of how to talk dirty, you might feel silly at first—just know that you’ll survive and gradually get more comfortable with the sensation of feeling awkward.
“Sex involves laughter,“ Manta says. “I love giggling and being playful. Give yourself permission to feel silly and awkward, and know that it doesn’t ruin the mood. If anything, it’s going to be more of an intimate connection because you two have shared vulnerability.”
Play with pacing. Dirty talk can be romantic, then build up to something more graphic and back again. Don’t rush through it, and pull back if needed. Here are some tips on how to make sex last longer if pacing, in general, tends to be something you struggle with. That said, in the event that you hit a snag during dirty talk, remember that sexy time doesn’t necessarily need to stall out unless someone becomes really uncomfortable.
“If I were to slow way down and just describe my hands on your body, that’s a very different energy than saying, ‘Oh, my God, I’m so excited. I want to be on you, and then we’re going to fuck really hard,’” Manta says. “The fact that you have the ability to shift the energy with pacing is something people skip over entirely.”
Example: “If your partner is getting nervous, you can help slow them down by saying, ‘Oh, it would be so hot if you just took a really long, slow, deep breath so I could watch you go up and down,’” Manta says. “Whoever’s slightly more comfortable can take the lead a little bit, if they’re up for that, and help to reassure, even in character, the other person. Slow it down and say encouraging things like, ‘Oh, you’re doing so great. That was really hot the way you said that.’”
It never hurts to acknowledge the awkwardness and do a quick reset. Don’t be afraid to say, “I’m feeling really silly about this.” As Manta advises, “You’ve got to bring in some ‘I’ statements. ‘I’m feeling silly. I'm feeling awkward.’ Name it. Don’t just sit there and marinate in your shame.”
Example: “Say what you’re feeling out loud and then ask, ‘Could you reassure me?’” Manta says. “Or, ‘Can we get up and shake it off real quick and then reset and keep going?’ Own what’s going on and make a request when things get awkward.”
If you experience something that’s a turn-off for you or your partner, take a moment to assess the damage and how best you can support each other. “If you do happen to put your foot in your mouth, run into a trigger, or say something that your partner didn’t like, don’t panic,” Manta says. “Both people need to go in assuming good intent. If there is a line that gets crossed or a trigger that gets poked and it was an accident, apologize, do some repair.”
Example: Mantra advises asking things like, “What do you need right now? Do we need to stop? Do you need a glass of water? Do you need me to apologize more formally? What can I do to help you feel soothed in this moment?” And be okay with whatever the answer is. “Maybe the sexy part is over and you need to do some cleanup. Or maybe it is, ‘I just need to have a glass of water and then we can move on.’”
Dr. Jansen says it’s best to wait until after sex—“maybe on a walk or hanging out on the couch, not during the sexual moment”—to approach your partner with feedback or check in. That check-in could include what you loved and what was really good as well as any corrections or minor adjustments if you have them.
“If someone takes a big risk in a sexual moment for their partner in a way that their partner has asked for and then the partner says, ‘Well, that’s not right…,’ they’re critiquing in the moment,” Dr. Jansen explains. “It creates a negative association that’s going to make it harder for that person to try again. So if you’re going to give sexual critiques or corrections, I’d recommend not in the bedroom.”
Example: “I loved when you said this. Next time, it’d be really hot if you did this.”
Create space outside of any sexual activity for reflection. Conjuring material for dirty talk won’t feel so daunting if you spend time thinking and talking about sex beyond the heat of the moment. When we’re actively having sex, Dr. Jansen says, “our minds tend to choose a path of least resistance” and fall back on the phrases we’ve been repeating for years as the quickest way to reach orgasm during sex.
“If you and your partner are never questioning what you do sexually, and I don’t mean questioning in an aggressive or critical way…if you’re not having regular, more casual conversations about sex, those things are hard to change or shift,” Dr. Jansen says.
“A lot of people don’t have conversations about sex unless they’re problem-focused conversations,” she says. “But some couples really weave conversations really casually about sex in and out of their lives all the time.”
It’s crucial to give praise and positive reinforcement as well as constructive input. Barring the need for course correction, Dr. Jansen says, talking about sex should ideally be a “skill-building, fun, exploratory conversation around something that’s already going pretty well.”
Example: During a casual moment, without any negativity, ask, “Did you like when I did this?” or say, “Hey, I wanted to talk to you about this. I’ve noticed you’ve said it for the last six years, and I’d like to try something new. Can we workshop it?”
