Although most everyone is familiar with the word “sexting” by now, that doesn’t mean they know how to sext—or do it well. Like a lot of things in life, sexting is an art form that takes both practice and passion. It’s not something one can go into half-heartedly. If you do, you're not sending a sext, not really. That's because a truly hot sext session requires enthusiastic consent from all parties, otherwise it becomes confusing, awkward, and straight-up creepy.
Even if you’ve never sexted in the past, didn’t have an interest in it, or just never had it come up, now is a good time to consider it as more and more people turn to their devices for intimacy amid the online dating landscape. But learning how to sext properly isn’t just great for new couples. It’s even better for long-term relationships, according to research, because of the positive impact it has on emotional intimacy.
“The best part about sexting is that you can edit what you say, and you get to be playful and creative,” says Megan Stubbs, a sexologist and sex and relationships coach.
Sexting can be intimidating, whether you’re messaging someone you’re in a long-term relationship with or a relative stranger. We get it. But if you’ve put off learning how to sext, there’s no time like the present. Here, experts break down your ultimate guide on sexy texts.
What is sexting?
Sexting is when two people (or more!) engage in a consensual texting back-and-forth as a way to share sexual fantasies or sexual memories they have together that they may want to explore again. It can also be used as prompts to put foreplay into motion. These sexy words can accompany nude photos, voice memos, or even—gasp!—calling each other and phone sexting, like, with your actual voices. Or as they used to call it before technology took over: phone sex.
“Sexting is a healthy activity when it involves two consenting adults who don’t feel pressured,” says Claudia Cox, relationship coach and founder of Text Weapon. “There is no one size fits all formula for sexting—each person and even each relationship is different.”
How do you start a sext text?
Initiating a sext isn’t something that one just jumps into with photos and imagery that you hope will blow your partner’s mind. (Unless you know for certain that's something that turns them on.) If you're new to sexting, take some time to work up to it and, of course, set boundaries. Here are some tips.
One of the most important things to know before we dole out sexting tips is that consent should always be front and center. It doesn’t matter if you like sexting pics as a fun surprise or think “sexts emojis” are cute—if there's no consent, it's not sexy. Full stop. People have different comfort levels when it comes to sex and sexuality, and that’s something that should be honored and respected. If there ever was a “what not to do when sexting,” guide, it would start and end with lack of consent.
“Just because you’re in the head space to start sexting, that doesn’t necessarily mean your sexting pal is,” says Alicia Sinclair, CEO of sex-toy maker Children of the Revolution and certified sex educator. Checking in with your partner is required before you go from zero to 60. “Unless of course, you’ve already pre-negotiated or established you have sexting carte blanche.”
Sexting example: “Hey you! Had you on my mind and wanted to share some NSFW thoughts. Are you into that right now?”
Once you have consent locked down and boundaries have been established, it’s time to make your move.
“If you are going from ‘Hey, can you pick up some milk on the way home?’ to sexting, there is some pre-game work to be done,” says Cox. “To really excel at sexting, you need to be creative and in touch with your sexy self. Before you even think about crafting your first message, take some time to think about your own sexual fantasies or start by bringing up one of your sexy romps and use it to build tension.” Then, give your partner a few minutes to respond. “Remember, sexting is a conversation.”
Sexting example: “I saw something in a sexy movie I think we should try…” or “I loved the way you slowly undressed me last night.”
When you’re getting ready to sext or are about to send one, take a moment to pause and reread what you wrote. Yes, grammar and spelling is something you want to take into consideration—we all know our phones prefer “duck” to “fuck”—but you also don’t want to ruin the mood.
“If you’re new to sexting, choose your words carefully,” says Cox. “You can seriously kill the mood fast with words like ‘intercourse’ or something similar Sexting calls for you to unleash your naughty fingers with some hot sex slang.”
Sexting example: “Just thinking about how I’m going to greet you when you get home tonight is making me wet.”
If you wouldn’t skip the foreplay while you’re with someone in person, you shouldn’t skip it during sexting either. “Foreplay and anticipation in any sexual play (a.k.a. the buildup) is what helps make the grand finale so special,” Sinclair says. It's why foreplay is such an important part of learning how to orgasm during sex.
Sexting example: “Let’s take this as far as we can, slowly. Then let ourselves orgasm.”
Fun fact: flirty emojis were created for sext messages. OK, maybe they weren’t technically, but they certainly make sexting more tantalizing. Does that peach, eggplant, and squirt sentence mean what I think it does?
“While sexting might, in some people’s minds, mean going straight for the genitals, you can actually talk around it in a creative way,” says Megan Stubbs, a sexologist, relationships coach, and author of Playing Without a Partner: A Singles' Guide to Sex, Dating, and Happiness.
This could also be a good chance to explore role playing. It’s exhausting always being the same person, isn’t it? Stubbs suggests setting up a role-play situation as another way to let your mind run wild.
Sexting example: “Tell me what you’d do to me if we were together in a room with just [emoji], [emoji], and nothing else.”
Just like when it comes to sex, there’s no sense in rushing it. (Related: Have you read our guide on how to make sex last longer?) “Don’t give it all away with the first sext,” Sinclair says. “Tell them what you want to do to them, or send a naughty picture. Take your time.”
Sexting example: “Thinking about what I want to do to you has been driving me crazy. I get more and more turned on every time I imagine it.”
Unless your sexting partner is a mind reader—or you’ve been together that long, you’re going to have to communicate and maybe even steer the direction of the sexting. “Want your partner to engage in a little fantasy play? Looking to have them say dirty things to you? Communicate what you want and ask for all the naughty things you know you deserve,” Saynt says. “Most likely your partner will be down to comply with giving you exactly what you're looking for.”
Sexting example: “Tell me what you want me to do with my hands right now.”
If you do decide that sexting pics is something you want to do, then go for it—but keep it as sexy as it is digitally safe.
“If you’re incorporating photo or video into your sexting routine, know your angles,” says Cassandra Corrado, sex educator and brand consultant. “I don’t mean the view that makes your ass look like the best version of itself—I mean the angles that keep you the most digitally safe. We don’t often want to think about sexual and digital safety when it comes to sexting, but you have to.”
Corrado makes a great point. Even if you’re sexting with a partner and you trust them, you still never know where those photos could end up. So when it comes to your face and distinguishing features, like tattoos, do yourself a favor and keep them out of view. Or even add a fake tattoo for fun.
Sexting example: “I’m sending you a photo of my hand down my undies and I want you to know I’m wishing they were your hands instead.”
It may even work in your favor to have some photos you know are safe—and hot—before you even begin your sext session.
“Visuals are important when sexting,” says Daniel Saynt, sex educator and founder of the New Society for Wellness (NSFW), a private community of sex-positive workshops and experiences. “Consider having a library of naughty pics and videos in your arsenal for when you’re ready to sext.”
As many of these experts have pointed out, nude photos are definitely hot—especially if you’re comfortable with the person and you take the time to edit them for the sake of privacy. But, as Saynt points out, you don’t have to be totally naked in whatever photos you’re sharing. As the saying goes, sometimes less is more. “If you don’t want to go full nude, don’t feel that you have to,” Saynt says. “This is about what makes you feel sexy.”
Sexting example: “Do you want to see a photo of what I’m wearing right now?”
Voice notes don’t exist only to get your point across to someone quickly in a text; they also come in handy when you want to use your voice to entice your partner.
“Voice notes allow you to tap into your lover’s audial desires,” says Jess O’Reilly, sexologist, relationship expert, and author of The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay: Techniques and Strategies for Mind-Blowing Sex. “For those of us who are auditory learners, the sound of a lover’s voice, even if they are not talking dirty, can be overwhelmingly hot.”
Try lowering your voice and speaking softly while telling your partner what you want to do to them or what you want them to do to you. “Build anticipation by sending one sentence at a time over the course of a day or week,” says O’Reilly.
Sexting example: “Tell me how the sound of my voice makes you feel.”
If the person you’re sexting with is someone you’ve been in a relationship with, then Stubbs suggests pulling out a hot memory, one that neither one of you will ever forget, and go from there.
Sexting example: “Remember that time in the elevator when I went down on you a few months ago?”
“At its most basic, there are two central roles that you can take while talking dirty: the director or the narrator,” says Corrado. “The director is someone who is doing the telling, while the narrator is describing what is happening around them.” One role might feel more comfortable to you and the other to your partner, so you just might fall into them naturally. But this doesn’t mean you can’t switch it up.
Example of director: “I want you to use your vibrator on your clit, but you can’t come until I say so.”
Example of narrator: “I love it when you tease me that way."
There’s nothing worse than getting all hot and bothered and then there’s a lull. “Engage and try not to be unresponsive during moments when the sexting is consistent,” Saynt says. “There’s nothing worse than someone losing interest or getting distracted on either side, so try to be there for your partner and be sure to call them out when they seem to not be there for you.”
Sexting example: “I’m not sure where you went, but if you haven’t come yet, let’s work on that together.”
Going live isn’t for everybody—but the hotter it gets, the more likely you might be ready to go there, says Saynt. So with that in mind, consider in advance if that's something you'd be into and be ready for it. “As the sexting gets hotter and hotter, you may be asked to open up some live video to bring the conversation to the next level,” Saynt says. “Plan a time for this so that you can be ready for your close-up. You can also be voyeuristic and ask to just watch if you want the experience without having to show your goodies.”
Sexting example: “I’m getting so close. Want to move this to FaceTime?”
“Sexting is unique because it’s a both partnered and solo sexual experience, and that can come with some intense emotions,” says Corrado. “If you find yourself feeling out of sorts once things have wrapped up, take time for physical self-care. Be mindful of how you’re touching your body, taking extra care and paying attention to how your own hands feel on you.”
According to Corrado, this can help ground you, especially if you’re feeling a bit lonely after the sexting session. This is the perfect time to light a candle and draw yourself a calming bath.
Sexting example: “Woo. That was a hot session. Now it’s time to take it easy and relish in how good it was.”
Why should you try sexting?
For a while sexting had a bad rap once dick pics—usually unsolicited—became part of the scene, but there’s far more to sexting than some dude you met on a dating app sending you a photo of his junk two minutes into a chat. In fact, dick pics aside, consensual sexting is full of benefits.
Because sexting is a form of communication, it allows both partners to communicate on a different level. Some people are fearful about sharing their sexual fantasies face to face, so sexting can give them a safe space.
“If sexting is done with the right person, for the right reasons, then it’s a fantastic addition to healthy relationships,” says Cox. “It can add sexual tension, passion, and really amp up your sex life. Remember, it’s not going to go smoothly every time so don’t get discouraged. Communication is key—if something is making you feel uncomfortable, talk about it.”
One of the best parts about sex, especially kinky sex, is that there’s always room to experiment. “When sexting for the first (or 40th) time, people often feel they have to follow a particular script,” says Corrado. “The thing that makes sexting fun is getting to explore desire and fantasy in a different medium, so don’t feel locked into any one script or persona.”
Not everyone is comfortable using the type of words you find in sexting—and that’s totally fine! But the more you engage in sexting (a.k.a. practice), the easier it will be to shake feelings of cringiness.
Because sexting is so contingent on being creative with your words to build scenarios you’d like to explore with your partner, or to bring up detailed memories, it gives you a chance to take your imagination to the fullest. For those who don’t have creative jobs, this can be a great escape into another realm of themselves.
“Your sexting partner isn’t there with you, so they only have your words and their imagination to figure out what’s going on,” Corrado says. “If you’re describing to them the ways that you’re touching yourself, make it a sensory experience.” According to Corrado, you want the person you’re sexting to feel as if they’re right there, seeing, feeling, hearing, smelling, and tasting it all.
Even if you’ve yet to meet IRL, a few rounds of sexting will give you an idea of what your “lover’s seduction learning style” is, according to O’Reilly. It’s in these cases that you can really cater to your partner and their exact desires by crafting “messages that make them feel sexy, desired, curious, excited, relaxed, challenged, loved, nervous, catered to, enticed, and more,” she says. “Take advantage of the variety of options including photos, videos, voice notes, text, GIFs, and live chats.”
It’s also ideal for foreplay with a partner if you want to get them all hot and bothered in anticipation for when you’ll see them next.
If we allow ourselves to be vulnerable in the way that’s necessary when sharing sexual fantasies, intimacy automatically comes with the territory.
“If done right, sexting can add intimacy to a trusting, committed relationship because it is based on communication, and the more you communicate, the closer you become,” says Cox. “When you sext, you naturally open up to your partner, sharing fantasies, listening to, and maybe acting, on their desires, making them feel wanted, trying new things together, and being vulnerable. It shows that you trust them with your innermost sexual thoughts and raw photos.”
Although human sexuality is complicated, the fact remains that we’re sexual beings. But where things can get difficult for people is if they’ve yet to embrace that sexuality. Everyone hits their sexual bloom at different times; if we take a moment to look inside ourselves, dig around, and see what’s there, we’re likely to be surprised—in a good way. Sexting can help unlock the door to that.
We all have sexual fantasies. Even if you’ve yet to explore them, they’re there. So if you’re looking to dip your toes in those waters, sexting is a chance to do that. “It’s completely normal for all of us to have fantasies,” says Sinclair. “Sexting is the perfect opportunity to share that you want to be tied up, want to tie your partner up, experiment with role playing, or try double penetration.” Who knows—maybe after you've mastered sexting you'll be more open to reading our guides on how to squirt, anal sex 101, or new sex positions if you weren't before.
How much sexting is too much sexting?
Yes, it absolutely is possible to have too much of a good thing. It’s important to realize that you can overdo it on the sexting pics, the sexting emojis, the sexting ideas—basically, all the sexting. And you definitely don’t want that to happen.
“Sexting can start to lose its impact if it becomes the norm,” says Cox. “It needs to be a spontaneous back-and-forth conversation. It should never be one-sided, where one partner is doing all the work to create sexy banter. If you feel like it’s becoming boring, or you have nothing left to say, simply take a break. There is no specific formula for how much sexting is healthy. Just like sex, every couple is different.”
When it comes to learning how to sext, you want to open your mind, embrace your sexuality, respect each other’s boundaries, and have fun. If you can do all that, then you’ve nailed the art of sexting.
