Sorry to partially spoil tonight's episode of The Bachelorette in the headline, but I think you all knew Mike wasn't endgame for Hannah. He should have been, though, considering three out of the four remaining guys have some sort of controversy following them. Don't let us down, Tyler—you're all we have left! What else can I spoil about the ep for you? Dig in.
We're in the Netherlands this week, and Hannah thinks everyone has moved "past the drama." Sure, just one quick question: Is Luke P. still here?
Also, picking Jed for the first one-on-one date of the week doesn't seem to help these dudes move "past the drama." When Hannah asks Jed out, the other guys look like a kid being picked last for kickball. "He didn't bring his guitar, did he?" someone quips as they walk away.
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Hannah and Jed's date is fairly uneventful, however. They take a boat ride, walk around Amsterdam, and make out. At one point they talk with an older couple who have been together 54 years but only knew each other about 10 days before they married. "It must have been written in the stars," the woman tells them. It's a sweet story, but also obviously a plant. Right? Or am I that cynical?
Who could say; regardless, the woman's story inspires Jed to reiterate to Hannah that he's falling for her. She says it's hard to be open about how she's really feeling, but she is excited about their relationship. And when they meet up for dinner that night, the conversation picks up where it left off: Hannah has apparently been holding back her feelings because she doesn't want to hurt anyone. Jed says he understands, but all of the pressure shouldn't be on her alone—he wants to take some of it on because that's what a partner does. "I want you to feel like you can open up," he says. And so, Hannah admits she's falling in love with him.
"I feel the same way. I'm falling in love with you," he replies. She gives him a rose, which means she'll be going to Jed's hometown next week.
A Bachelor or Bachelorette admitting they're falling in love before the fantasy suites is rare and a big deal on this show, but Tyler still has a horse in this race. No, literally: Their date involves horseback riding through the Hague.
Unfortunately, Tyler is a little freaked out by horses—and the ones the Bachelorette producers have procured aren't cooperative. "I'm trying to act cool...but I was definitely nervous," poor Tyler tells us. On top of that, a well-meaning vendor offers the couple pickled herring. Hannah gamely takes a big bite of the fish. When Tyler tries it, he gags and spits it up. And yet I still find him attractive. You know it's true love when you think it's cute and charming that a man's about to puke cured fish.
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Later, Tyler to admits he's gotten in his own head the past week; he's been comparing himself to the other guys and feeling frustrated about all the drama with Luke. She asks him to be open with her about all of his feelings, so they can bond on a deeper level.
He opens up more that night, though I will admit I tuned a lot of their conversation out because I was imagining Tyler as the perfect Magic Mike XXL character. Think about it: (1) He's hot. (2) He loves to dance. (3) He's all about making women happy, which is the entire plot of the movie. Michael "Magic Mike" Lane would be proud.
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Obviously, Hannah gives him the rose.
Meanwhile, a date card arrives for Mike. This bums Connor out so much that he shows up at Hannah's hotel room to talk about it. She tells him he's started to fade into the background on the group dates—and now it's too late because the other relationships have progressed. "I didn't want this to be goodbye, and it sucks that it is," he says before giving her a hug and leaving. Connor, we barely knew ya—though I guess that's Hannah's point.
The next day is Mike's date. They bike to a gallery where they meet an artist who suggests they have "an afternoon of painting each other." You can tell where my brain's at that I thought this meant Mike and Hannah would literally be spreading paint all over each other's bodies. Nope: They're actually painting. This is Hannah's, erm, depiction of Mike.
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He thinks he looks like a clown, but his drawing of Hannah is somehow worse. It looks like a haunted picture of a witch at the center of a Blumhouse horror film. Like, this is NIGHTMARE FUEL:
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Likely scared out of her mind, the artist suggests she draw them instead. Excellent call. They end the afternoon having a heart to heart, but Hannah admits to us she's not 100% sure how she's feeling. Uh oh.
That night, before Mike joins Hannah for dinner in an art museum, there is a long—I'm talking five minutes? an hour?—completely silent montage of Hannah staring at paintings and crying.
And as soon as Mike arrives, Hannah sniffles and tells him she's been having a hard night. "I've never been surrounded by so much beauty, and it's just been really overwhelming," she explains. She says there was a portrait of Saint Catherine that particularly moved her—Catherine is holding a sword and a Bible while men fight in the background, and Hannah can relate to that. I'm not Catholic, so I did a quick Wikipedia search on Saint Catherine. Turns out she was starved, whipped, imprisoned, and eventually beheaded because of her faith. Not quite the same thing as getting to travel the world with your 12 boyfriends, but I admire Hannah's appreciation for fine art.
All this to say: Hannah is sending Mike home. She likes him, but she knows he's not the one and doesn't want to put his family through hometowns. Mike accepts this graciously and thanks her for being honest with him. "Mike deserves to be loved fiercely just as much as I do," Hannah says as he leaves. In the car, he says he's crushed but knows he's ready to have love in his life. Gah, I hope Mike is on the short list for the next Bachelor. If not, at least send him to Bachelor in Paradise.
Twitter agrees:
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Meanwhile back at the hotel, Luke gloats that it would make his day to see Mike's suitcase taken away. The guys point to this as yet another example of Luke's bad behavior—sure, they all want to be the last one standing, but that doesn't mean they aren't sad to see a friend go. There's more arguing, but the most important moment is Tyler's roast. Reader, I screamed:
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The next day Luke, Peter, and Garrett have a date with Hannah. As they leave the hotel, Jed warns Luke to "keep your head out of your ass."
"Out of all people, I'm surprised you have the balls to tell me that," Luke replies.
And of course, as soon as Luke gets a minute alone with Hannah, he tells her about the confrontation. "I've done nothing," he says. She challenges him on that, but Luke suggests that the reason he shit-talks the other guys so much is because he's concerned for her. Hannah doesn't say much to that.
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When she talks to Garrett, she asks him about Luke. She suggests Garrett was being fake to Luke because he was cordial to him one night, and then rude to him the next. Garrett gives, in my opinion, a reasonable explanation: He doesn't like Luke, but that doesn't mean he has to tell him to go to hell every time he sees him. Hannah's response? "When I don't like someone they know it."
Garrett confronts Luke. They bicker back and forth, and it's a lot of the same until Luke stands up and gets in Garrett's face. He screams, "You are not gonna mess it up!" before dumping a pile of bologna in Garrett's lap. (Yes, we're really throwing sausages at each other now.) "BE REAL WITH HER BECAUSE SHE'S LOOKING FOR A HUSBAND," he yells. Garrett just smiles, because what else do you do when someone throws a handful of pork at you?
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Luke storms out and tells Peter what happened, but Peter's pissed because he hasn't had a chance to talk to Hannah yet and now she might not be in a good headspace. She seems fine when they meet up, though, and Peter does the right move by not even addressing the drama. "I'm crazy about you," he tells her. She gives him the first rose of the group date. That leaves the Luke vs. Garrett showdown...
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That night Hannah asks them to drop the drama. When Luke has alone time with her, he opens up about how he used to be all about drinking and having sex. "I hated chasing those fleshly desires," he tells her. One day he was crying in the shower when he heard a voice tell him to let go. Since then he's been more dedicated to his faith. This is probably the first—maybe only?—time where I can kind of see why Hannah's so into Luke: Their religion is the connection.
During his alone time with Hannah, Garrett thanks her for helping him open up. "You make me feel some type of way," he says, before telling her he loves her. Still, Hannah gives Luke the rose. Garrett handles it surprisingly well—I have a feeling we'll see him on Paradise.
So that means we'll be meeting Peter, Luke, Tyler, and Jed's families for the hometown dates. I'll see you next week, my friends.
Anna Moeslein is a senior editor at Glamour. Follow her on Twitter @annamoeslein.
