Pleasure is not a luxury; it's a necessity for overall well-being. This is why wondering how to masturbate better—with or without one of the best vibrators—is just as valuable and vital as wondering how to reduce stress in your life.
In fact, not being able to experience satisfying pleasures, a risk factor known as anhedonia, greatly contributes to the toxic effects of stress and makes us susceptible to anxiety, depression, and disease. Pleasure that's also good for us is what I like to call healthy hedonism. As a certified sex therapist and neuroscientist who studies the scientific benefits of sexual pleasure, I know that our ability to enjoy our bodies through masturbation or sex with a partner is one of the best stress busters we can practice. (This is so important I even wrote an entire book, Why Good Sex Matters, about it.)
My experience as a sex and relationship therapist has taught me that most of us can benefit from investing more time and energy into our relationship with our bodies. Rather than look at masturbation simply as having sex with yourself, see it as an opportunity to savor the pleasure of being in your body. When you can focus on the sensations you're feeling rather than just seeking an orgasm, you increase your sexual potential. Having a regular self-pleasure practice will enhance your ability to enjoy life better, in and out of the bedroom.
So if you’re looking to invest more in your solo sex game, you’ve come to the right place. If you don't already have a masturbation practice, welcome. I’ll walk you through the best proven masturbation tips for how to turn yourself on—and enhance your mental and physical health in the process.
1. Create a pleasure mindset.
Good sex—even with ourselves—starts outside the bedroom. The first step in creating pleasure is to cultivate a “pleasure mindset.”
What do I mean by that? Designate time and space for feel-good fun. Pleasure of all kinds, not just sexual pleasure, can be good for the brain. So block off a few hours each week to do something that feels good. It needn't involve masturbation or sex of any kind—anything that feels good and is good for you can help you access that pleasure mindset next time you are in the bedroom.
This first step is often the most challenging. We've been socialized to think that we have to be constantly working to get results in order to be happy, rather than taking the time to experience our pleasure. One of the most important lessons regarding happiness I’ve learned from decades of being a psychotherapist is that happiness doesn’t work like we think it does. In fact, we often have things backward. We imagine that if we do certain things, we will have what we want and need, and then we will be happy. Many of us convince ourselves that if we achieve the right weight, relationship, job, house, car—all the possessions and accomplishments that we think we need and want—then we will be happy. But the pleasure mindset is about savoring our experiences in the here and now.
2. Practice the fine art of self-attunement.
A great way to relax is to start a regular self-attunement practice to help you better connect to your body. Take out your journal and answer these questions: What's on your mind? What's going on in your body? How's your emotional state? If you are feeling down or frazzled, don't worry. Simply giving yourself permission to be exactly as you are, with whatever challenges you're experiencing, is key to loosening and softening and ultimately releasing the emotions. I call this practice radical acceptance, and it's a powerful tool for well-being.
3. Explore a new hobby.
This may not seem like a classic masturbation technique, but it’s actually a powerful way to help you turn yourself on when you do have some alone time. Eroticism starts with having a passion for living. Our “seeking system,” a wired-in core emotion powered by dopamine, is designed by nature to capture our attention and motivate us to pursue our needs for everything from food, shelter, and safety to love and sex. By engaging it, we can help dial up our lust for life, if you will. How do we engage our seeking system? Virtually explore, learn something new, dive into an interest or curiosity.
4. Turn off your phone.
Taking breaks from your devices is a powerful tool to enhance your overall well-being. How we are using our attention is creating big problems. We spend way too much time in continuous partial attention, which is constantly dividing our attention. Think of it as being plugged into our devices, always on standby. We wait for notifications, messages, likes, and other input. We are no longer present in the moment. We are no longer present to the people in the room. This hijacks our emotional brains and sabotages our capacity to connect to others. Making a conscious choice to unplug enough to be present can do wonders for our well-being.
Being present is really the first requirement for getting turned on. So turn off social media, put down the smartphone, and be in the moment. Get your head in the game, and your body will follow.
5. Relax.
Stress—especially chronic stress—kills the pleasure mindset. The sustained release of the stress hormone cortisol will not only take its toll on your overall health and well-being over time, but it will also dampen your sex drive. The good news here is that having sex can reduce our cortisol levels. One more reason to learn how to masturbate better!
If you need help learning how to relax, here's a full guide to the breathing exercises I use myself. A quick tip: By breathing in and out through your nose and making the exhale a bit longer than the inhale, you will harness the power of the nervous system to calm itself.
6. Spend time in the sun.
The hypothalamus is your body’s master hormone machine. It regulates everything, including our appetites for food and sex, our moods, even our waking and sleep cycles. Getting natural sunlight can help stimulate the hypothalamus (and is also linked to lower rates of stress). Not getting enough natural sunlight has contributed to the worldwide epidemics of obesity, depression, anxiety disorders, and stress. A big reason to spend time outdoors all year round!
7. Create a playlist.
Music is another really helpful way to relax—and can be hugely helpful in figuring out how to turn yourself on and set the mood. Music, especially an empowering anthem, primes joy. Create a mix of your favorite songs that help you get in the mood for sex and play it next time you masturbate. (You can also play it for your partner when the opportunity arises.)
8. Set the scene.
One of the best ways to masturbate is to create an atmosphere of seduction in your bedroom, just for you. Nice clean sheets, a new comforter or blanket, soft lighting, candles, and incense can all help set the stage for a woman's orgasm.
9. Fantasize.
I’ve often said, your brain is your most powerful sex organ. (Anyone who's ever had a sex dream should understand this all too well.) You can turn up the volume on pleasurable sensations from your genitals just by using your mind. In my research, participants were able to light up their brain's pleasure centers by just thinking about genital stimulation. Based on this research, I developed an exercise, using imagery, to practice how to turn on your brain’s pleasure places.
10. Know your erogenous zones.
Sexual arousal doesn’t just come from stimulating your genitals—the body is full of sensuous hot spots such as the thighs, buttocks, and the small of the back. One you may not have explored before? Your ears. Beyond the obvious pleasures of listening to delicious sounds, stimulating the outer ear can directly activate our brains' pleasure centers. There's a scientific reason for this. Turns out that the turn-on from ear sensation is driven by the Vagus nerve—a major component of the calming and restorative side of our nervous system—which my lab has shown is activated during orgasm.
11. Experiment with different types of orgasms.
When it comes to female masturbation, the various parts of the clitoris can unlock a lot of pleasure, while the vagina, cervix, and nipples have a deep resonance on their own. (Yes, nipple orgasms are a thing!) Connect the dots between pleasure places. When you play a number of these keys together, the sensations can blend, combine, and merge into a crescendo of different types of orgasms during sex.
12. Exercise.
Regular exercise has long been understood to help boost sexual arousal. So if you want to turn yourself on, show your body some love by walking outside for 15 minutes at least two times per day. Yoga can be an especially erotic exercise practice—focusing on the breath and the energy in the body is a fantastic way to get in an erotic frame of mind. Do it by yourself or with a partner.
13. Focus on connection.
When you are with a partner, sizzle up your interactions. As discussed in my book, creating ongoing sexual potential and lifelong turn-on involves being willing to take risks with partners. Couples who learn how to take risks by penetrating each other's psyches keep learning and growing together. For example, start with a regular practice of asking your partner about the high and low points of their day. And then go deeper to probe. Cultivating the ability to actively and deeply listen to our partners is hot.
14. Learn to play.
Play is the source of a great deal of our social joy and pleasure—it helps build resilience and enhance your ability to cope with stress. And that applies to both your sex life and your life outside the bedroom. Similar to finding a new hobby, finding ways to get playful in your life can actually help you access that playful pleasure when it comes to turning yourself on. Specifically when it comes to your masturbation practice, think about trying a new sex toy or dressing up in something that makes you feel confident (even if you’re solo).
15. Explore the world of porn.
It’s a myth that women aren’t into porn. In fact, watching porn can help those of us (even moms who've lost access to our mojo) jump-start our libidos. Whether you like visual stimulation, audio porn, or settling in with some delicious erotica, a narrative aid can be a great way to prime yourself for pleasure. Just make sure you’re turning to ethical, feminist sources.
16. Find the right sex toy.
There are plenty of ways to turn yourself on using just your own body and your mind. But a vibrator can also be a wonderful thing to incorporate. In terms of choosing a vibrator, I suggest starting with a simple one without bells and whistles and go from there. In a previous column we explored how to play with settings and experiment with different parts of the body.
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17. Just go for it.
Ultimately, the best masturbation tip for turning yourself on is just to do it. As my research has shown, our bodies are wired for pleasurable sensations—and the more you activate the pleasure pathways in your brain, the more you’ll strengthen them. In other words, repeated stimulation is key.
Nan Wise, PhD, is AASECT certified sex therapist, neuroscientist, certified relationship expert, and author of Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life. Follow her @AskDoctorNan.
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