For all the time our society spends talking about sex, many women are still asking themselves: What is an orgasm and what does it feel like?
As a certified sex therapist turned neuroscientist, I get asked about orgasms a lot. In my column for Glamour, I’m here to address your pressing questions about sex, love, and pleasure. With over three decades of experience studying the science of pleasure, I can say without a doubt that the ability to experience potent and satisfying pleasures like orgasm isn’t a luxury—sexual orgasms for women are a necessity for our health and well-being (something I talk about in much more detail in my book Why Good Sex Matters).
The female orgasm is a fantastic thing: It can be triggered by stimulating the clitoris, the vagina, the nipples, the cervix, or an out-of-this-world combination of all of the above. Here’s what you need to know about what an orgasm is, what it feels like, and how to prioritize having more of them.
For starters, what is an orgasm?
Although there’ve been many attempts to define and describe the elusive experience of the Big O,”my favorite, and the simplest of all, was coined by Alfred Kinsey, a pioneer in the study of human sexuality. In scientist-speak, he nailed it: “the expulsive discharge of neuromuscular tensions at the peak of the sexual response.”
Here’s how that breaks down: Neuro refers to the nerves of the body and neurons of the brain, muscular refers to muscles, and explosive discharge, well, speaks for itself. An orgasm is an intensely pleasurable response to sexual stimulation.
What causes an orgasm? Well, having one doesn’t necessarily involve the genitals. Case in point: nipplegasms. There are even some talented individuals who appear able to experience a thought- or imagery-induced orgasm, without any physical stimulation at all. Lucky them.
My research has demonstrated that the Big O is indeed a “big brain” event, increasing blood flow to a range of brain regions, which is good for brain health. In fact, having an orgasm may be better for your brain than doing crossword puzzles—not to mention, much more fun.
What should an orgasm feel like?
A study done back in the 1970s asked male and female college students to describe how their orgasms felt. Most of the descriptions involved a pleasurable release of built-up tensions, experienced as an explosion of sensation, sometimes bordering on the ecstatic, and finally a wave of warmth, peace, and relaxation.
The truth is, orgasms exist on a spectrum: There are orgasms, and then there are ORGASMS! Some are pleasant but not earth-shattering, and others are screaming-laughing-crying episodes of pure ecstasy. Both are important and valid.
I tend to discourage people from should-ing on themselves or their experiences. When we evaluate how things should feel or how they should be, we take ourselves away from the experience. My book, Why Good Sex Matters, is not entitled Why Great Sex Matters for an important reason; when we start evaluating our erotic lives, chasing and seeking great sex or super or multiple orgasms, we miss the point, likely sabotaging our own capacity for pleasure. Good sex involves being present to the experience we are having. And a good orgasm is any orgasm that comes along.
What is the difference between the female orgasm and the male orgasm?
One big difference is that males have a refractory period after orgasm, which shuts down the sex party, at least for a while. Females are not wired that way—women are capable of experiencing multiple orgasms during sexual activity. In a recent study using a nationally representative sample of 1,005 women, a whopping 47% of women reported having multiple orgasms.
Another difference is how frequently men versus women experience orgasm during intimate encounters. The orgasm gap is notable; 95% of heterosexual men reported “usually orgasming” with partners, while only 65% of heterosexual females do. Lesbians tend to fare better in this department: 86% of them reported orgasming regularly when having sex with partners.
Although there is an orgasm gap between men and women, given the percentage of women reporting multiple orgasms, given the right circumstances, the sexual capacity of females is formidable.
How do you know if you’ve had an orgasm?
You might think we have fancy scientific ways of determining whether an orgasm has happened or not. Orgasms are associated with changes in physiological measures such as heart rate, blood pressure, pupil dilation, and involuntary rhythmic contractions of the pelvic floor muscles around the vagina, as well as uterine and anal contractions—but the best way to determine whether an orgasm has happened is to ask the person having the experience.
That is precisely what I did for my orgasm study. I asked participants to press a button when their orgasm started, and again when it ended. As researchers and clinicians know, the best measure of someone’s experience of either pain or pleasure is not the physiological measures, but the person’s subjective ratings.
When women say they aren’t sure they are having orgasms, I coach them to enjoy the sensations as is. I say, “Relax, and let the orgasm find you!” Relaxing into the sensations is the first step in increasing the likelihood of experiencing more sexual pleasure.
How to have better, more intense orgasms based on science (that I, myself, actually conducted)
Learn how to play your own pleasure keyboard. As my research has shown, our bodies are wired for pleasurable sensations. You can dial up the volume on sensations by strengthening the pleasure pathways. Repeated stimulation is key. Remember, neurons (cells in our nervous system) that fire (get active) together wire together.
The various parts of the clitoris correspond to some keys on the pleasure keyboard, while the vagina, cervix, and nipples have a deep resonance on their own. By adding simultaneous stimulation to more genital regions to the mix, a wider area of the brain’s genital sensation center is activated, creating more intense sensations as they blend and combine. This enhances our sexual experience and increases our orgasmic potential.
We also have pleasure keys corresponding to areas adjacent to the genitals, such as thighs, buttocks, and the small of the back. Additional pleasure keys are wired to your non-genital erogenous zones including the lips, mouth, ears, and neck. When you focus on specific keys, the sensations can differ.
When you play a number of these keys together, the sensations can blend, combine, and merge into a crescendo. Think “blended” orgasm here. If you, as many women report, tend to prefer stimulation of the external clitoris—the “nub” or glans, as it is also known—expand your repertoire to include stimulation of the internal clitoris, especially the clitoral bulbs (a pair of erectile structures that straddle the entrance of the vagina). You can stimulate them by firmly massaging the area beneath the outer lips of the labia with pressure enough to get them engorged.
Add some more pleasure keys to the mix by using a penetrative sex toy that will provide stimulation to your vagina and potentially your cervix as well. And don’t forget your nipples.
I cannot sufficiently emphasize the importance of strengthening the pelvic floor muscles to enhance the experience of sexual pleasure. Remember the definition of orgasm as a neuromuscular event? Regularly training those muscles will do wonders for enhancing our ability to orgasm and make orgasms even more powerful.
I even suggest doing Kegals while masturbating or having partner sex, as contracting these muscles will help ramp up sensations.
If you have challenges having an orgasm during intercourse, as many women do, there is a fabulous variation of the missionary position that can significantly increase the stimulation of both the external and internal clitoris that makes orgasms through intercourse both more accessible and more pleasurable. What makes CAT so effective is that genital contact is maintained by a rhythmic, coordinated rocking, which creates constant pressure on the clitoris both externally and internally.
The brain is the most important sex organ of all. When our minds are focused on our to-do lists, rather than the sensations of our sexual experiences, orgasms can be watered down or even elusive.
Here is scientific support for the idea that imagination can supercharge our sexuality: My research participants lighted up their brain’s pleasure centers by just thinking about genital stimulation, without any touch at all. Their minds actively quite resembled the brain on orgasm as shown in another of our studies.
A practical application of this: We can practice harnessing our attention to our genital sensations, which can strengthen our pleasure pathways. For more details and instructions, see my good-sex tool, Touch Plus Imagery.
Trying to have the biggest, best, most mind-blowing orgasm is counterproductive. Again, that is why my book is titled Why Good Sex Matters rather than Why Great Sex Matters. Good sex is connected sex, where partners are present and enjoying the contact. Orgasms are not the be-all and end-all of the sexual world. Letting go of your search for the biggest and best orgasm can help it find you.
Some women report orgasming easily but not feeling particularly satisfied, while others report satisfying levels of pleasure with or without the Big O. Say yes to the experience you are having.
Nan Wise, PhD, is AASECT certified sex therapist, a neuroscientist, a certified relationship expert, and the author of Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life. Follow her @AskDoctorNan.
