You might have heard the phrase DARVO pop up recently. Maybe you saw viewers of Love Island UK discussing whether participants on the show are using it, or activists talking about how common it is for high-profile men accused of abuse against women to deploy it as a deflection tactic. Journalist and former senior advisor to president Bill Clinton Sidney Blumenthal, for instance, has argued that Donald Trump uses it to successfully manipulate situations in his favor. But DARVO doesn’t just happen on our screens or in Hollywood. It’s extremely common day to day, and it’s important to understand what it is and how to spot it.
Terms such as “gaslighting” have fully entered our lexicon, but DARVO—which is often interlinked with gaslighting and just as common—is a less recognized tactic used in emotional abuse. It can happen in romantic relationships, with families and friends, and even at work. And unless you know what to look for, it’s easy to miss.
So, what is DARVO?
The term stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, and Offender. It was coined by psychologist Jennifer Freyd, and it describes a pattern where a person accused of harmful behavior immediately denies it, attacks the person confronting them, and then shifts the blame to cast themselves as the true victim in the situation. According to Freyd, this occurs “when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of ‘falsely accused’ and attacks the accuser’s credibility and blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation.”
It can sound like:
“Why are you always trying to make me the bad guy?”
“I never hit you, I just pushed you away when you were being dramatic.”
“You’re so sensitive, it’s like I can’t do anything right around you.”
“You’re making me feel so bad. I don’t even want to talk to you anymore.”
“You’re abusing me, too.”
For those experiencing this abuse, it can chip away at your reality over time. It’s common for victims to start questioning whether what they experienced was real and start turning the blame on themselves—which is exactly the goal of the person using DARVO to manipulate.
There have been fictional depictions of DARVO, even if it’s not spelled out explicitly as such. Like in Big Little Lies, for example—the character Perry Wright flips it every time Celeste calls out his violence. First, he denies hurting her. Then, he accuses her of provoking him. Finally, he becomes the one who’s suffering. “I’m only like this because I love you so much.” It’s textbook DARVO.
We see it in You, where Joe Goldberg consistently manipulates women into believing he’s just a misunderstood romantic even as his behavior becomes controlling and violent. He denies, attacks, reframes. Over and over again.
DARVO can happen outside of domestic abuse and violence, too. Like when a partner cheats, gets caught, and then says something like, “You’ve been so cold lately, what did you expect?” Or when you confront a friend about a boundary they’ve crossed, and they respond with, “Wow, I guess I’m just a terrible person then.” Suddenly, you’re the one doing damage control, even though they hurt you.
Those involved with Everyone’s Invited, a charity dedicated to exposing and eradicating rape culture with empathy, compassion, and understanding, witness DARVO all too often. A spokesperson for the charity told Glamour UK, “At Everyone’s Invited, across thousands of testimonies, we often see DARVO as a recurring tactic used by perpetrators when confronted with allegations of abuse. It begins with denial, followed by personal attacks on the survivor, and ends with the abuser casting themselves as the true victim.”
They continued, “DARVO is a powerful form of manipulation and a clear example of rape culture in action. It silences survivors, protects those in positions of power, and upholds a system where accountability is routinely avoided. When we talk about power, it’s not always institutional. It can exist in everyday relationships where one person holds more emotional, social, or physical control than the other.”
As Everyone’s Invited explains, DARVO can be both subtle and overt: from character assassination to gaslighting and narrative distortion. “Through our testimonies, we hear time and again from survivors who feel afraid to speak out or even question their own experiences.”
“Recognizing these behaviours is essential. When we understand how DARVO functions, we can begin to challenge it—dismantling rape culture and creating space for survivors to be heard, supported, and believed.”
DARVO is often a pattern, rather than a one-off, and survivors often say the emotional confusion was worse than the conflict itself. Knowing the signs is the first step to resisting DARVO. If someone constantly denies your reality, makes you feel guilty for standing up to them, or trying to hold them accountable, and paints themselves as the victim no matter the situation, it’s worth researching DARVO and reaching out for help.
For more information about emotional abuse and domestic abuse, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788. For more resources or to connect with a live advocate, visit www.thehotline.org.
A version of this article was previously published on Glamour UK.
